The Heartache of Secondary Infertility

I Never Thought it Would Happen to Me

Jessica Smith


Image by cm_dasilva from Pixabay

I’m expecting my period tomorrow. It will come. There’s no reason why it won’t. I’m tired of holding out hope that things will be different this time. They won’t be.

Two and a half years ago, I was excited about the prospect of having my 4th child. I had a new partner and we both decided we would like to have a child together. We still haven’t made that a reality and it isn’t from lack of trying.

I had no idea that I would still be waiting after so much time

I had gotten pregnant without even really trying 3 times before. I wouldn’t say my kids were accidents but none of them were actually planned. It had been so easy.

Of course I was younger then. Fertility decreases as you age and I’m pushing 40. Still, it’s not unheard of for women my age to fall pregnant without intervention.

My husband would be an amazing father

He is an amazing father to my 3 kids. I would love nothing more for him to experience fatherhood from the beginning.

Frankly, I’d like to experience it all from the beginning again as well — with someone who actually wants to do it. The father of my 3 never showed much support or excitement for any of our kids.

I know my husband wouldn’t be like that. Any kid would be lucky to have him as a dad.

Loss after loss

Over the last two and a half years I have gotten pregnant but obviously there’s no baby to show for any of those pregnancies. They all ended early on with no time to get excited.

I’m starting to suspect it’s just not going to happen. It breaks my heart. Yes, I have three beautiful children already but I don’t think I’m being greedy for wanting one more. Someone is missing from our family. I want them here.

I never thought I’d be here

I felt privileged that I could get pregnant so easily. I never took it for granted. I felt for those who wanted kids and couldn’t have them. I could only imagine how painful that would be. But now I’m living it.



Jessica Smith

Writer and mother. I write about whatever pops into my head. Relationships, Self, Mental Health, Parenting, Whatever.