You’ve already succeeded by still being here

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Image by Markus Trier from Pixabay

I describe depression as trying to walk in a blinding snow storm with no real destination. You hope the storm will pass or at least you hope you will find shelter from the storm. You’re trying so hard to keep moving towards relief.

The snow is up to your knees and it’s hard to walk. You can’t see what is in front of you and the wind is pushing you back as you try to move forward.

Your efforts seem fruitless and your mind is on nothing else but the effort it is taking you to make it through.

If you stop to take a break, you don’t know if you will ever get back up again. So you just keep moving, hoping the end, in any form, is near. What choice do you really have? You have to keep fighting even though you don’t want to. …


Future Me Had My Back

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Image by Vinson Tan ( 楊 祖 武 ) from Pixabay

The voice inside her head kept her going

“This isn’t it. This isn’t how it is supposed to be. There are better things out there for you.”

I heard those words in my head. I was 23 or so at the time, in the middle of a living nightmare. I didn’t know where the words came from but I knew it was an important message.

“It’s not going to be easy but you can and will get to where you want to be.”

I held onto those words for dear life. It was the only hope I had to keep going. I couldn’t stay in the life I was living. …


Or Do You Want The Details Of My Abuse?

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Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

I trimmed up my undercut today. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when the sides are shaved and the top is long. I first cut it like this because I can do it from home and I don’t have to pay to get my hair cut. I like it short.

I’ve had this cut for well over a year and never realized how much the scar on the back of my head shows. I didn’t think it was noticeable since it is over 15 years old.

Nobody has said anything about it before but maybe that is because I was at home a lot and my (new) husband already knew what the scar was from.


OK, so it pulled me back into its clutches

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Photo by Dallas Reedy on Unsplash

You know and I know it’s been one hell of a year. I wasn’t expecting much but I can tell you I wasn’t expecting this. Obviously, a damn global pandemic wasn’t on anyone’s radar but, come on! Really?

It’s not like I had any grand plans but I had hope that it could be a good year. Frankly, for me, 2020 hasn’t been that bad in terms of my personal life. But had you told me I would be where I am right now, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I had every intention to continue to do what I was doing; being a mom, working, and writing. It wasn’t the most fulfilling life ever but it was good enough for me. …


We will always choose our children

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The world does not revolve around my children but my children are my world. It is my job to take care of them. It is my job to guide them and make sure they have what they need to survive. I’m more than willing to do my part but damn it, I need some help here!

Schools Weren’t Safe “Before”

Every day that I have sent my children off to school, I prayed that the came back in once piece. That wasn’t something my mom had to worry about. There weren’t school shootings when I was a kid.

I graduated in 2000, a year after Columbine. I didn’t think this would be a reality my children would have to face. But our kids don’t matter much I guess. People and their “right” to own guns matter more than my child’s life. …


My mental health has suffered by staying home

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Image by pasja1000 from Pixabay

Motherhood has been a lonely place for me. I’ve been a work from home/stay at home mom for seven years now. I know I should love it but I do not. It is not at all what I thought it would be.

Growing up, this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a mom and stay home to make banana bread and do crafts. I didn’t factor in the fact that this would get really boring and lonely.

I am not “Jessica”, I am “Mom” aka the keeper of the house.

Nobody really knows me as “me”. I am just here to take care of things and make sure the ship stays afloat. …


Parents are having to make a hard choice

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Image by pedro_wroclaw from Pixabay

My kids are nine, seven, and five right now and they have been out of school since the middle of March, when the pandemic broke out. It’s been a challenge having them at home. Homeschooling didn’t go great and we are all going a bit stir crazy.

I am ready to have them go back

Heck, they are ready to go back. They are bored here and I am sure they are sick of me by this point. We are all bored and grouchy and need our routine back.

We have been following all of the recommendations as they come.

We stay home as much as possible. …


Perfection is not a trait I want to pass down to them

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Photo by Kiana Bosman on Unsplash

I fear I am passing on a trait to my children that I am not proud of. Most people wouldn’t think it as a bad trait but I do. That trait is perfectionism. I fully admit I am a perfectionist.

That isn’t a good thing. Why? Because it brings on immense amount of anxiety when things aren’t perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect yet I strive for it every day. Then I am left disappointed and feeling like a failure

It’s always been this way. I get it from my mom and she got it from her mom. I want to break that cycle. It took watching my kids go through it to know that I had to change my reaction to imperfection. …


You’re not lazy, you’re just depressed

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Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

My house is a disaster. No really, it’s embarrassing how messy this house is. I hate when it is this messy but it has gotten to the point that I don’t even know where to start to get it back in shape.

And just thinking of that exhausts me. I beat myself up over how much I fail at this. Who lets their house get this bad? Only a lazy piece of shit of course. At least that’s what my brain tells me.

I’m Not Lazy, I’m Depressed

The thing is, I’m NOT lazy. When there is a job to do, I give it my all. None of my previous employers would ever describe me as lazy. …


They Are Not On Our Side

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Image by Free Photos from Pixabay

“Who are you going to call when you’re raped? Who will you call when you are being abused?”

I’ve been seeing this question asked a lot in response to the current Abolish The Police Movement.

Want to know my answer? Nobody. I won’t be calling anyone to help because there was no help given when I needed the police to protect me. They came, took a statement, and left me to be assaulted again. And again. And again.

So, no, I won’t be calling the police if I ever need them again. …

About

Jessica Hillis

Writer and mother. I try to keep it real because I’m not “loving every moment”. Follow me https://twitter.com/3282jessicah or email hillis33@gmail.com

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